Late Night Congressional Humor

"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy peanut butter." –Jon Stewart

"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about." –Jay Leno

"Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address. If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems and Congress says, 'No.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien

"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno

"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing. Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can accomplish just as little as male senators." –Jimmy Fallon

Jon Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder to fix."

"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan O'Brien

"People are disappointed in David Petraeus. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA -- and yet he's behaving like your common congressman." --Jay Leno

"If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like, 'What do you mean if we do nothing?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago." –Jay Leno

"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon already?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman." –Jay Leno

"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon

"Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage. As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

"A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress." –Jay Leno

"A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, 'Nuh-uh!'" –Conan O'Brien

"According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level." –Jay Leno

"Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional drifter." –Jay Leno

“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” –Jay Leno

“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno

"According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't even aware Congress is doing a job." –Jay Leno

"Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress." –Jay Leno

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno

"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." –Jay Leno

"Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it." –Seth Meyers

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno

"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno

"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88 percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does something." –Jay Leno

"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?" –Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned." –Bill Maher

"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones

"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman

"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 64 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'" –Jay Leno

"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'" –Bill Maher

"My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so bad, but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if so, just get the f**k out." –Jon Stewart

"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno

"Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done." –David Letterman

"Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the budget. If they can't agree, there will be a big government shutdown. What we really need is a big government shut-up." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing." –Jay Leno

"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel

"For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress." –Jay Leno

"The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has the financial planning skills of a college sophomore." –Conan O'Brien

"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay Leno

"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them." –Jay Leno

"The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

"I'm glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait." –Craig Ferguson

"The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress." –Jay Leno

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon