HOUSE REPUBLICANS STILL DETERMINED TO KILL YOU

The Daily Edge

House Republicans today reiterated their commitment to killing as many Americans as possible before the end of Obama’s second term. ”We don’t care if you starve or die slowly and painfully from a chronic-but-treatable disease,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “As long as you die, it makes no difference.”

After Thursday’s vote to cut $40 billion from the Food Stamps program, failed VP candidate Paul Ryan was positively gleeful. “Seniors, the disabled and families struggling to feed their kids will all suffer as the result of this vote,”  he said. “But as long as you tell your hungry kid the alternative was to end Big Oil subsidies, she’ll understand.”

Child health experts warned that failing to properly feed America’s children could affect brain development, lead to problems at school, and all kinds of expensive medical problems later. “That’ll teach poor people to have so many kids, won’t it?” said Ryan before adding: “Unless you got pregnant by rape, of course. Then it was God’s will.”

The House GOP followed up Friday by voting to shut down the government unless Obamacare is completely defunded. “Healthcare is not a human right,” said Speaker John Boehner. “I don’t care what Jesus or the Pope say about it. When was the last time Jesus sent me a check, for God’s sake?”

In Texas, Governor Rick Perry applauded the effort to defund Obamacare: “As a Christian, I’ve always believed the best way to treat poor people who get sick is miracles,” he said. “America is the richest country in the world. There’s just no excuse for being born poor.”

Ted Cruz continued to warn of the risks of Obamacare: “People will become addicted,” he said. “Study after study is showing that affordable healthcare will transform the lives of millions of Americans, including preventive services, vision and dental care for kids, and guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions. This isn’t Canada. We should never allow poor people to save so much money on healthcare that they can then afford to buy food too.”

New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte also pointed out that if starvation or illness don’t kill you first, gun violence is still an option. “That’s why I voted against expanded background checks after the Sandy Hook massacre,” she said. “After all, guns don’t kill people. Republicans kill people.”