10 Tactics To Get A Republican To Agree With You

Author: Matthew Malone May 8, 2013 12:01 am

 

1. Talk about lowering taxes. It’s like a dog whistle for them. Even if you’re saying it in the middle of another sentence — “I don’t think trickle down economics actually — LOWER TAXES — works for anyone except the super-rich.” They’ll start salivating and forget the rest of what you said.
2. Praise Ronald Reagan, but make sure not to point out that he actually agreed with President Obama on lots of issues (like taxes, for example).
3. Say something sympathetic like “Rush Limbaugh is misunderstood.” They’ll launch into a speech before they notice you’re being sarcastic.
 4. Agree that it makes sense to spend millions of dollars fighting foreign enemies that we created thanks to the stupidity of decades of “military intervention.”

 5. Question something about Obama as a man.. But instead of going for the old, worn-out ones that everyone already knows — you know, the facts, like that he’s a Muslim terrorist from Kenya sent to kill us all and destroy the free world — try starting a rumor that he’s an alien zombie sent to eat our brains.
6. Say something that ends in the words “Tea Party.” For example: “Zebras are pretty frickin’ sweet. Tea Party.” You’ll score automatic cool points with them even if it makes no sense.
7. Call the Affordable Care Act “Obamacare” and then say something about socialism encroaching on our individual liberties.
8. Bring them dinner: poor people meat patties with a side of cash. (Before you crucify me for that one, read Jonathan Swift.)
9. Tell them that the war on drugs is a good idea, because obviously if you fight against something you don’t like, it’ll go away. Just like crime and alcohol and prostitution and terrorism!
10. Above all else, avoid using too much logic, or you might confuse them.