How Congress Plans To Boost Its Approval Rating

THE ONION

 

Following the government shutdown and the debt ceiling crisis, polling has showed that a record 85 percent of Americans disapprove of Congress. Here’s how the nation’s lawmakers are attempting to boost their dismal approval ratings:

• Addressing all constituents as “master”
• Free autographs for entire month of December
• Trying even harder to defund Affordable Care Act
• Touring the country performing live legislation sets based on audience suggestions
• Each visitor to House or Senate gallery allowed to dump one 32-ounce soda onto congressman of their choice
• Inviting legendary guitarist G.E. Smith to sit in on congressional sessions
• Debuting smiling, lovable plush Bill-y the Legislator Alligator mascot who dances around the congressional chambers at all times
• Passing even just one bill