“United really sounds kind of socialist,” remarked Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) “Our Founding Fathers would be rolling over in their graves if they knew we had such a socialist name now.”
“We were thinking of calling it ‘The Federated States of America,’ but that sounded a little elitist,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), “so my idea was ‘The Conservative States of America.”
Rubio was interrupted by Rep. Paul Ryan, (R-Wis.) who said, “actually, it should be named the ‘Objectivist States of America,’ or for those who feel that is too elitist, maybe, ‘Randian States of America,’ after the late, great Ayn Rand!”
“And after ME!” said Rand Paul as he began hopping up and down, clapping his hands.
“Um, sure, whatever,” said Ryan as he shook his head toward reporters.
“I don’t know,” said Bachmann. “I’m thinking God has to be in there. Maybe ‘The Divine States of America’ or ‘The Chosen States of America?’ Or does that sound too Jewish?”
“Of course, this would mean a lot of work for some people,” continued Paul. “United Airlines and United Van Lines would have to change their names. So would United Healthcare. All that rebranding might cost them some money, but in the end, they will be happy. It will show that this government is firm in its commitment against government interference at all levels, including in matters of commerce.”
Tea Party members are also debating whether a new flag might be appropriate, with the southern members overwhelmingly endorsing a flag modeled after the Stars and Bars. The northern members, including Bachmann, wanted to keep the current flag, but add the word, ‘God’ across the center.
Democratic leadership isn’t quite as enthused about the proposal. Both Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi issued a joint statement saying, “for the first time in months, they aren’t obsessing over repealing Obamacare, so perhaps this is a step up, but maybe the people who spend so much time talking about the Constitution should actually read it. ‘United States’ is right there, at the top. It’s also at the top of the Declaration of Independence.”
“I’m not familiar with this ‘Declaration of Independence,’” declared Bachmann. “I’m sure the Founding Fathers wouldn’t approve.”
When asked for a comment, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said, “because of Obamacare, everyone in this country will be paying quadruple for health insurance and they will be dead within six months.”