Best Stephen Colbert Quotes of All Time
''I personally am not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames.'' —Stephen Colbert''The great jousting tournament that is Election Day draws nigh, the prize the building you see behind me, Castle Congress. But what side shall prevail in this epic electoral tilt? Who shall control the future of Fortress America? Will we be, as the Republicans desire, a nation of wealthy heavily-armed white men, befouling the air and water in a ceaseless quest for profits, beholden to no laws but those of our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Or shall we instead embrace the Democrats' vision of a namby-pamby quasi-Socialist Republic with an all-homosexual army flamboyantly defending a citizenry suckling at the foul teat of government welfare? The choice is yours, fair maiden America, for the name of this feudal system is Democracy.'' —Stephen Colbert''I love its message of 'F**k them, I got mine.''' —Stephen Colbert on ''Atlas Shrugged'' by Ayn Rand''Folks, I'm no fan of 'Sesame Street.' They expose our children to dangerous liberal ideas like befriending the homeless, two men sleeping in the same bedroom, and counting.'' —Stephen Colbert''Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.'' —Stephen Colbert''I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias.'' —Stephen Colbert, roasting President Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' dinner''If you ignore something long enough, it will go away. Just look at Sarah Palin.'' —Stephen Colbert''I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.'' —Stephen Colbert, at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner''Even though many have wanted to see Gitmo closed, including President Obama, despite all logic, it remains open for business. It's the Radio Shack of the War on Terror.'' —Stephen Colbert''To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.'' —Stephen Colbert, roasting President Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' dinner''The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn't do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights.'' —Stephen Colbert on the Supreme Court taking up gay marriage
''If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.'' —Stephen Colbert, trying to stop Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity
''Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, the exact same way that fire extinguishers cause fires.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But what's the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?'' —Stephen Colbert
''If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!'' —Stephen Colbert
''If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!'' —Stephen Colbert
''Last night was Super Tuesday -- a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin' Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion — be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Whoever did this obviously did not know sh*t about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on. '' —Stephen Colbert on the Boston Marathon bombing
''It is crucial that Romney pick a running mate who will help him with the groups he's weak with: women, Hispanics, African Americans, Evangelical Christians â€“ and Republicans.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul.'' —Stephen Colbert
''America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?'' —Stephen Colbert, on Jon Stewart's 'Rally to Restore Sanity' in Washington
''We got somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 states. We could lose a few. I mean, do we really need two Dakotas? And NEW Hampshire? I'm sure the old one's fine.'' —Stephen Colbert
''If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?'' —Stephen Colbert
''I am just about the world's biggest Glenn Beck fan. I follow him even more closely than the shadowy forces tracking his every move.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Nation, I have always admired Justice Clarence Thomas. The man is a rock — in that he could be replaced by a rock, and I'm not sure anyone would notice.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Agnostics are just atheists without balls.'' —Stephen Colbert
''We all know there is a long tradition of great nations importing foreign workers to do their farm work. After all, it was the ancient Israelites who built the first food pyramids. ... But this is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American. Then sliced by a Guatemalan, and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.'' —Stephen Colbert, testifying before Congress on behalf of the United Farm Workers Union, which was pushing an agriculture jobs bill to give illegal immigrant farm workers a path to citizenship
''To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government. '' —Stephen Colbert
''If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl.'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''They say you can't yell 'fire' in a crowded theater unless it's actually on fire. That means if I want to have free speech, I have to become an arsonist.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Like all great theologies, Bill O'Reilly's can be boiled down to one sentence: there must be a God, because I don't know how things work.'' —Stephen Colbert
''This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty -- unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I'm upset that Mike Huckabee criticized Natalie Portman for having a child out of wedlock. Listen, I'm no fan of unwed mothers either, but this is Natalie Portman we're talking about. That unborn child is Luke Skywalker.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.'' —Stephen Colbert
''The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear.'' —Stephen Colbert, ''I Am America''
''The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago.'' —Stephen Colbert
''Jesus was a liberal Democrat. It's right there in his name: Jesus H. Christ. That 'H' clearly stands for Hussein.'' —Stephen Colbert
''I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world.'' —Stephen Colbert, roasting President Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Dinner
''So many people forget that this season is about Jesus Christ and the sacrifices he made for mankind, including the ultimate sacrifice — having his birthday on Christmas.'' —Stephen Colbert