GOP Ushers In New Era Of Prosperity By Cutting Food stamps
What Would Jesus Do? He’d cut food stamps obviously, which is why America’s only Christian party, the GOP, slashed food stamps by $40 billion dollars.
The bill is expected to deny 3.8 milion people food stamps, but as Majority Leader Eric Cantor explains, this will allow them all to get jobs. Somehow.
“Most people don’t chose to be on food stamps. Most people want a job, but because the government is giving them so much food–nearly $4.50 per day!– they’re just too busy eating and miss out on all the good jobs.”
“Work is not a penalty,” Rep. Steve Southerland (R-Fla.) said, citing the Book of Genesis. “Work is a blessing. Unless you make minimum wage and can’t afford to feed your family, but nobody’s doing that, right? Because then we’d seem like a bunch of heartless douche bags.”
Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan.) was more stern, saying, “Look for work. Start job training to improve your skills or do community service. But you can no longer sit on your couch or ride a surfboard like Jason in California and expect the federal taxpayer to feed you.” Yep, it is an established rule of law that one bum in California means everyone on food stamps should be punished, just like when the class had to stay in from recess because one kid was talking during the filmstrip. It’s in the Constitution, right after the part where Jesus said women should have transvaginal ultrasounds.
Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Tex.) told reporters that “Republicans should be cheered for cutting food stamps. Food stamps are a trap, you see, because once people get government help, well, it’s a slippery slope, which ends up with bestiality. That’s a fact. It’s in the Bible.”
Finally, House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, a devout Catholic explained that “Sure, we cut food stamps today, but we’re saving $40 billion. Isn’t paying off 0.25% of the national debt worth letting 3.8 million people starve to death?”