Ann Coulter, 51, is well-known as a reliably-belligerent conservative mouthpiece and well-weathered figurehead of the GOP’s flagship, Fox News. While famous for taking pleasure in attacking her enemies, this is the first time Coulter has been known to publicly bring herself to sexual climax during such an attack.
A icon to Mean-Girl proponents around the world, Coulter has made it her life’s work to prove that women can be just as horrible and pointlessly stupid as men. Her spectacular lapse of self-control has added a new dimension to the on-going controversy of her public career.
“It lasted exactly 37.27 seconds,” said Daily Show intern, Kyle Permanentti, 22, whose primary job every day is to dig through raw Fox News video for useful clips, “It was horrible. The way she started shaking and sort of foaming at the mouth. It was like watching an exorcism, or someone being tortured by the Spanish Inquisition or something. To tell you the truth, I’m feeling a little weak from hunger right now but I just haven’t been able to keep anything down since I saw… it.”
Unnamed sources from within Fox News claim the incident was allowed to go out live due to operator negligence.
“Believe it or not,” said Fox News lighting technician Jimmy Turnbaum, 47, who wished to remain anonymous, “the control-room crew was watching a movie on one of the porn channels instead of paying attention to the live feed. So nobody even noticed Coulter, growling and moaning as she writhed up there in front of the camera. Man, you should have heard the screaming and yelling that went on after that. It was really something.”
At least three Fox News control-room personnel are known to have been fired already.
“Divisiveness has always been Ann’s strong suit. Her overall lack of humanity has served her well, especially when it comes to offending and alienating just about anyone she decides to spew her venom upon,” said Coulter’s booking agent, Millie Fasbinder, 63, “Something like this, though, I don’t know. It worries me, you know? I’m afraid it might give people the impression, however false it might be, that she actually is human after all. Believe me, this sort of thing could easily destroy the Ann Coulter brand among her core demographics if handled incorrectly.”
“I’m not sure this is a totally bad thing,” said Coulter’s senior merchandizing sub-manager, Helmet Daughton, 29, “The footage has already gone viral, of course, and Ann’s getting a lot of face-time. Recognition is 90% of the battle, after all. Like they say, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? I mean, just think of all the dudes out there, right now, workin’ it to what could well be Ann’s career-best media moment? That’s what we, in the business, call influence, Jack! It doesn’t matter if they love her or they hate her. The only thing that counts is that they’re paying attention to her. Eyes on the page, my man. Eyes on the page.”
Popular blogger and unabashed left-wing feminist, Naomi Hempridge, 26, admitted that the sight of Coulter’s on-air orgasm confused her.
“I feel very wrong about saying something like this,” Hemprdige explained, “but I honestly think seeing her gurgling on the screen like that… well, I think it might have turned me straight. Or at least severely frigid. I mean, oh my god, what if I looked like that when I… well, I can’t even think about it.”