Author: Juniper Russo
September 29, 2013

Conservatives have a thing for historical celebrity-worship. They
tend to pick out a few figures from history—usually, but not always,
heterosexual white males—and establish them as their own cultural
superheroes. There’s nothing wrong with having historical figures you
look up to, but you know there’s a problem when the greatest heroes a
movement are people who wouldn’t have approved of the movement at all.
Here are some of the historical figures that today’s right-wingers tend
to idolize… without knowing much about what these people really
believed.
Ayn Rand was atheist, pro-choice, and hated libertarians.
Certifiable sociopath Ayn Rand has been one of the gods of
conservativism ever since the New York Times dubbed her the “novelist
laureate of the Reagan administration” in 1987. After this point,
conservative douchebags, including Alan Greenspan, Clarence Thomas, Rush
Limbaugh, and Paul Ryan, all unanimously decided that Ayn Rand was just
awesome. Just to demonstrate that they’re
independent thinkers,
masses of high-school and college-age libertarians decided that they’d
sound really smart if they called themselves objectivists and said that
they adhered to Ayn Rand’s philosophy and formed a Cliff’s Notes-based
cargo cult on her ideas.
The funny thing is that, until at least the 1980s, Rand was pretty
largely despised by the right because more people bothered to find out
what she actually believed… Like that she
idolized a serial killer, that she was pro-choice, and that she was staunchly opposed to religion.
Objectivism was all about cold, hard reasoning with no room for
anything remotely spiritual or emotional. So Rand was not only openly
atheist, but she considered religion to be an instrument for
brainwashing people into obedience. In
Philosophy: Who Needs It?, she wrote:
Faith and force… are corollaries: every period of history dominated by mysticism, was a period of statism, of dictatorship, of tyranny.
In other words, ladies and gents, Ayn Rand’s world has no room for your religion. Or anyone else’s.
So what about the Unborn, those precious little souls terminated
before birth, that conservatives use as poster children for the evils of
liberalism? Ayn Rand didn’t care much for them, either, as she stated
in
The Voice of Reason:
An embryo has no rights. Rights do not pertain to a potential, only to an actual
being. A child cannot acquire any rights until it is born. The living
take precedence over the not-yet-living (or the unborn). Abortion is a
moral right—which should be left to the sole discretion of the woman
involved; morally, nothing other than her wish in the matter is to be
considered. Who can conceivably have the right to dictate to her what
disposition she is to make of the functions of her own body?
Wait a sec,that sounds… That sounds a lot like what you hear from
feminists, doesn’t it?
Conservatives who are willing to concede that Ayn Rand wouldn’t be a
fan of the modern-day Republican party usually jump to the next
conclusion. She would totally be on board with libertarians, right?
Well, unlike many historical figures, Ayn Rand was actually alive along
enough to see her beliefs being misappropriated and was quick to shoot
that down. In 1971, she wrote in
The Objectivist:
For the record, I shall repeat what I have said many
times before: I do not join or endorse any political group or movement.
More specifically, I disapprove of, disagree with, and have no
connection with, the latest aberration of some conservatives, the
so-called “hippies of the right,” who attempt to snare the younger or
more careless ones of my readers by claiming simultaneously to be
followers of my philosophy and advocates of anarchism. Anyone offering
such a combination confesses his inability to understand either.
Burned.
Thomas Paine was a socialist and loathed organized religion.
How does a socialist become a teabagger? There’s not a punch line.
It’s a serious question. Thomas Paine was a hardcore socialist who
somehow became, in the minds of his oblivious “followers,” a gun-toting,
God-fearing, tax-cutting, immigrant-hating conservative—to the point
that right-wing lunatic Glenn Beck went so far as to rewrite Paine’s
Revolutionary War pamphlet
Common Sense for today’s audience, ad Paine is considered one of the most influential historical figureheads to conservatives.
We already know that Glenn Beck is off his rocker, but for the
record, Paine was everything that the Tea Party is not. For one thing,
he wasn’t a fan of church involvement in religion—or even church
involvement in
church. In his magnum opus, The
Age of Reason, Thomas Paine wrote:
My own mind is my own church. All national institutions
of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other
than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and
monopolize power and profit.
Whoa, that sounds almost like something a radical liberal would say! But it doesn’t stop there. His pamphlet
Agrarian Justice
is essentially a socialist manifesto and full of the things that
inhabit the nightmares of conservatives. Calling uncultivated land “the
common property of the human race,” Paine stated that property is
necessary in a society with buildings and agriculture, but that since
all “improvements” take place on land that naturally belongs
collectively to mankind, property-owners naturally have a debt to those
who do not own property.
He outlines a system in which the wealthy pay taxes for all their
income, and that those taxes are used to provide for the needy.
Remarking that financial support for the elderly is “not the nature of a
charity but of a right,” Paine suggested setting up a national fund
that would pay the living expenses for everyone over age 50, as well as
the “lame and the blind.” Adjusted for inflation and our pesky
increasing life expectancy, that’s Social Security– invented by liberals
and loathed by conservatives.
There’s more. Thomas Paine also suggested that poor families receive a
credit every year to help support the cost of feeding and housing every
child under they age of 14.
This has existed since the Clinton
era in the form of the Child Tax Credit, which Republicans staunchly
opposed—because, hey, if you can’t feed ‘em, don’t breed ‘em, right?
Once those kids came of age, Paine stated that they were owed a
one-time payment of 15 pounds to help them get a start in life, ensuring
that even poor young adults would be given some opportunity at success.
Instead, a couple-hundred years later, our young adults are saddled
with five-digit student loan debt—
if they’re privileged enough to go to college to begin with– by the time they reach their 21
st birthdays.
Want to pick a different idol to worship, Glenn Beck?
Thomas Jefferson was the guy who established separation of church and state
Thomas Jefferson is one of those rare presidents who most people
agree was pretty cool. Liberals and conservatives alike tend to like him
—
89% of people say they view him “favorably” — despite the fact that he was totally okay with slavery and repeatedly
raped his slave Sally Hemings, who mothered six of his children.
But in case that is not enough evidence that Jefferson wasn’t the guy
we want to remember him as, there are his many letters and statements
regarding religion—and they’re not what conservatives would want. As
many an angry Republican has pointed out, the constitution itself does
not actually contain the phrase “separation of church and state.”
Somebody else said that — Thomas Jefferson. The entirety of his
>statement was:
Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies
solely between Man and his God, that he owes account to none other for
his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach
actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign
reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that
their legislature should ‘make no law respecting an establishment of
religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,’ thus building a
wall of separation between church and state.
Yes, conservatives: Jefferson was the one who first and most openly
suggested that you don’t get to use your religion to infringe on other
people’s freedoms. Sorry, guys.
Jesus of Nazareth was a political activist and a socialist.
If there’s one historical figure who is deeply adored, and profoundly
misunderstood, by conservatives, it’s Jesus of Nazareth. Now, we’re not
going to argue with anyone over whether Jesus performed miracles or
whether or not he was God, because these things are ultimately pretty
irrelevant to what his political beliefs were. And whether you think
Jesus of Nazareth was God, a prophet, a teacher, or just some Jew who
lived 2000ish years ago, there are some things about the guy that are
pretty clear.
For example, we know that Jesus was a political activist. You
remember Reza Aslan, the Iranian-American who was the subject of the
most
humiliating interview
Fox News has ever done? In his book Zealot, he—speaking as an educated
historian, not the Big Bad Muslim out to get you—points out that, in
Jesus’s time and place, crucifixion was a punishment reserved for
political revolutionaries. Jesus was crucified for the crimes of
sedition and treason. He was into the idea of overthrowing an unfair
government
way before it was cool.
Now, let’s take a look at what Biblical accounts of Jesus had to say
about him. At one point, 5,000 people followed Jesus out into the desert
wanting food. His disciples were worried because they had only five
loaves of bread and two fish—not enough for 5,000 people—but he told
them to distribute the food freely within the crowd, and somehow,
everyone was fed.
Maybe the “miracle” here wasn’t that Jesus did a trick that made
massive amounts of food from very little. Maybe the miracle was that he
gave what he had even when it looked like wasn’t enough, and, seeing the
example, those in the crowd who did have food began to share. The fish
and loaves miracle wasn’t a magic trick: it was a way of showing that
when people choose to share, they will be happy and well-fed.
The Bible gives plenty of other accounts of what most people would
call “socialism” on Jesus’s behalf. In Matthew 25:31-46, he said that
God will judge people by how they treated the “least” among themselves.
He commanded that people serve him by caring for the hungry, the
thirsty, the stranger, the naked, the ill, and the imprisoned—yes, even
those dirty, rotten criminals. There is no “unless they’re gay,” or
“unless they really deserve to be in prison,” or “unless they’re just
lazy and won’t get a job,” here. It’s unconditional. Those who don’t do
as he says? It’s Hell for them, and Heaven for those who helped the
needy.
He also said that the wealthy sell what they have and give it to the
poor, and when some of them refused—screaming for a tax cut, we suppose–
Jesus made it pretty clear that they’d just sold their tickets to
Heaven. It is easier,” he said, “for a camel to go through the eye of a
needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” Well, since
the chances of a camel walking through the eye of a needle are exactly
zero, we’re going to assume that, if there’s a Heaven, there aren’t many
one-percenters there.
We’re not sure why it is that Conservatives seem so Hell-bent on
misinterpreting the political beliefs of their favorite icons, but it
seems to be the norm, not the exception. Note to Conservatives: idolize
whoever you want. Just make sure you do your research to find out what
they actually believe before claiming to share their opinions.