"I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that
this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head in a jar of Skippy
peanut butter." –Jon Stewart
"A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You
know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most
effective right now." –Jay Leno
"President Obama
gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of
things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal
preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the
Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher
"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe
me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows
what it's talking about." –Jay Leno
"Tomorrow President Obama gives his annual State of the Union address.
If you're not familiar, the State of the Union is where the president
faces Congress and asks them to work together and fix America's problems
and Congress says, 'No.'" -Jimmy Fallon
"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully
he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno
"According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it's being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback." –Conan O'Brien
"Chris Christie also lashed out at Congress for doing nothing for the
victims of Hurricane Sandy. But in their defense Congress says, 'Hey, we
don't do anything for anybody.'" –Jay Leno
"Congress has approved some version of this fiscal cliff bill thing.
Well, taxes are going up, and now, they're looking to make cuts just
about everywhere. In fact, oil companies today had to lay off 15
senators." –Jay Leno
"Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol.
After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'"
–Jimmy Fallon
"Today the Senate swore in a record 20 female senators. Yep, the women
said they’re very excited, and look forward to proving they can
accomplish just as little as male senators." –Jimmy Fallon
Jon Stewart to congressional Republicans who voted against Hurricane
Sandy aid: "If you guys can’t vote for this, then we’re f**ked for the
next few years. And I’m not saying you're responsible for all the
problems facing our country, but you sure are making them a lot harder
to fix."
"Arizona elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. She's a lady
promising to reach across the aisle and grab whatever's there." --Conan
O'Brien
"People are disappointed in David Petraeus. A four-star general, highly
decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA -- and yet he's
behaving like your common congressman." --Jay Leno
"If Congress does nothing, the U.S. could go off a so-called fiscal
cliff that could cause another worldwide financial collapse like the one
in 2008. Congress had a lot of questions about this scenario, like,
'What do you mean if we do nothing?'" --Jimmy Fallon
"While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four
years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone
up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the
only ones better off now than they were four years ago." –Jay Leno
"New research found that people who wake up early are more productive
than people who sleep in. Or as Congress put it, 'Whoa — is it noon
already?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job
Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same
approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his
goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who
steals from all 50 states? A congressman." –Jay Leno
"A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that
inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that
just scare the hell out of Congress." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s
healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing —
or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon
"Barney Frank became the first congressman to enter a same-sex marriage.
As opposed to most congressmen, who prefer to just enter someone else's
marriage." –Jimmy Fallon
"A House committee is now recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder
be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that for what you
and I have. That's contempt FOR Congress." –Jay Leno
"A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade
level. When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said,
'Nuh-uh!'" –Conan O'Brien
"According to a study released today, the average member of Congress can
only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds,
because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level." –Jay
Leno
"Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch
is unfit to run a company. Is that news? He's 160 years old. Of course
he's unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or
Congress." –Craig Ferguson
"Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal.
Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and
do those ladies take Discover cards." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has signed into law a bill that bans members of
Congress from insider trading. However, they are still allowed to
mishandle campaign funds, cheat on their wives, and kill the occasional
drifter." –Jay Leno
“President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from
profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already
illegal? So they were profiting from insider information. Why didn't
they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?” –Jay Leno
“The House of Representatives has passed a bill that prohibits people
from using welfare money in strip clubs or liquor stores. I agree with
that. Strip clubs and liquor stores should be off limits for people who
get government funds — you know, like congressmen.” –Jay Leno
"According to a Washington Post poll, 84 percent of Americans do not
approve of the way Congress is doing its job. Sixteen percent weren't
even aware Congress is doing a job." –Jay Leno
"Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe
it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone
of any living creature, except members of Congress." –Jay Leno
"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous
consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though
most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They
weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it
done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?"
–Jay Leno
"According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't
have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these
people are called Congress." –Jay Leno
"Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The
Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it." –Seth Meyers
"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago
when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession?
Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno
"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno
"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry
you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to
your congressman." –Conan O'Brien
"A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is
doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that 'less
than no one' thinks they're doing a good job." –Jay Leno
"Congress' approval rating has dropped to 12 percent. The other 88
percent are withholding judgment until Congress actually does
something." –Jay Leno
"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I
thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us
in debt?" –Jay Leno
"President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit
rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense
of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think
it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation.
Can we get their asses back here?" –Jay Leno
"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high.
Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing
and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked."
–Jimmy Kimmel
"Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the
American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same
idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm
concerned." –Bill Maher
"I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in
celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing
their own feces." –Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones
"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved
during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They
would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman
"A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other
64 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'" –Jay Leno
"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the
recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only
bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote.
And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'"
–Bill Maher
"My question to Congress, and, I think, a question many Americans may be
sharing as of tonight, is this: do you want out of this relationship so
bad, but don't have the balls to leave, so you've all decided to act
like such giant a**holes you force us to break up with you? Because if
so, just get the f**k out." –Jon Stewart
"In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats
beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important
because it shows the American people that they can really get along and
accomplish something when it's meaningless." –Jay Leno
"Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done." –David Letterman
"Democrats and Republicans in Congress are still fighting over the
budget. If they can't agree, there will be a big government shutdown.
What we really need is a big government shut-up." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it
will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing." –Jay
Leno
"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government
will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money
and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the
country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel
"For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking.
President Obama gave up conferring with Congress." –Jay Leno
"The Senate has sent President Obama a spending bill that gives the
government enough money to keep going for two weeks. Our Congress has
the financial planning skills of a college sophomore." –Conan O'Brien
"A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs
waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so
seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it." –Jay
Leno
"Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them
before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us
14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult
them." –Jay Leno
"The new Congress adopted a rule that permits members to use electronic
devices on the floor of the House. So let the sexting begin." –Jimmy
Kimmel
"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to
move closer to their workplace. It's already a huge hit — in fact just
today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy
Fallon
"I'm glad we have a day for the presidents, but shouldn't we have a day
for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry
about getting anything done? Oh, wait." –Craig Ferguson
"The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress." –Jay Leno
"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history.
Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste
time and not get work done." –Jimmy Fallon
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