Carnival to launch new “Ted Cruise” experience
The Daily Edge
Carnival Cruise Lines today announced the launch of a new “Ted Cruise” experience. “This new weekend cruise will depart from Miami on Thursday afternoons and return whenever the Coast Guard is able to rescue us,” said Ben Dover, Carnival’s chief marketing officer. “It’s an exciting mystery voyage that will allow passengers to experience the magical fake-filibustering of Rafael E. Cruz, the nation’s foremost Ted Cruz impersonator.”
The cost of the Ted Cruise will be $26,000, with $275 going toward the cruise itself and the remainder made payable to Koch Industries, the event’s producers to cover assorted petty cash needs, including the “Clarence and Antonin Fund to Benefit Supreme Court Justices.”
A highlight of the experience will be a reading from Green Eggs and Ham, which will occur around hours 15-16 of of the fake-filibuster.
“What makes the experience really special,” said Mr Dover, “is the realization around hour nineteen that we’ve cut the engines and have begun drifting with the Caribbean tides God knows where. Then, as soon as Rafael finishes speaking, all the ship’s power is shutdown and we announce to passengers that there’s no food for them because we’ve given it all to members of the Top 1%. We tell them if they want food they’ll have to work for it, although right now we have no jobs.”
Before the Coast Guard finally rescues the ship, the Ted Cruise also guarantees that the toilets will be overflowing and there will be sudden outbreak of the often-deadly Legionnaires’ Disease.
“It’s only after people start getting sick, that we tell them there’s no doctor on board,” said Mr Dover. “We also inform them that their insurance company may treat the disease as a pre-existing condition and/or drop their insurance coverage as soon as we get back to US waters. It’s a nice touch,” he added. “But that’s what makes the Ted Cruise so authentic.”
The Ted Cruise will be promoted exclusively on the Rush Limbaugh radio show. “So much time available! So cheap!” said Mr. Dover.
UPDATE: Due to overwhelming demand from Rush Limbaugh listeners, the Ted Cruise is now sold out through 2018.
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