And finally, New Rule: It's OK if you don't want to feed the hungry, or heal the sick, or house the homeless. Just don't say you're doing it for their own good. Don't say you'd like to help people, but your hands are tied because if you did, it would cause a culture of dependency, or go against the Bible, or worst of all, rob them of their freedom... to be sick and hungry. Just admit you're selfish, and based on how little your beliefs mirror the actual teachings of Jesus, you might as well claim to worship Despicable Me.
Now I bring this up, because last week new food stamp cuts went into effect, and Congressman Steve Fincher, a Republican from Dogpatch, justified the cuts by quoting the Bible — "The one who does not work shall not eat." And it reminded me that I keep seeing stories in the news about Christians stiffing servers in restaurants. Like the Applebee's waitress in Missouri who got this note from a church pastor.
Written on the check, it said, "I give God 10%. Why do you get 18?" Prompting the question, who ordered the piping hot asshole? (audience applause)
This is what Jesus would do? I doubt it. I think what Jesus would do is move the hell out of that part of Missouri. And if you're a waiter or waitress in the Bible Belt, you may very well have seen one of these.
It's a phony $10 dollar bill that Christians sometimes leave on the table in lieu of an actual tip. It looks like a $10, so you get the benefit of giving poor people hope, and then crushing it, but on the back it says, "Some things are better than money ... like your eternal salvation that was bought and paid for by Jesus going to the cross."
Yeah, well, Jesus didn't have to put gas in the donkey. (audience applause)
I don't know what the snake-handlers have against the food-handlers, or when restaurant receipts became the new bully pulpit, but there was another story recently, this one from Kansas, where instead of a tip, a Christian family left their server, who they knew was gay, this note:
Thank you for your service, it was excellent. That being said, we cannot in good conscience top you, for your homosexual lifestyle is an affront to GOD. Queers do not share in the wealth of GOD, and you will not share in ours.(stunned audience reaction)
Note they repeat the phrase "not share", to really drive home that they've absorbed the message of Jesus. (audience laughter) OK, first off, just because you're eating out, doesn't give you the right to tell your server who they should be eating out. (wild audience laughter and applause)
And beyond that, someone needs to tell these people that not tipping a gay waiter will not make him want to put his penis in a woman. It'll make him want to put his penis in your pasta primavera. (wild audience laughter and applause)
Now, I am sure there are millions of Christians who try to actually follow Jesus, but you gotta admit, conservatives always seem to have a reason why they would love to give, but they just can't. We would love to help the unemployed, but it would discourage working. I believe in charity, just not for people who need it. Of course we'd like it if everyone could see a doctor, we're not monsters, but if the government does it, it will destroy our way of life. Plus, the website is glitchy, which leads to Stalinism. Oh sure, we'd like to help people who are starving, but what if they use the strength from not starving to take drugs?
Yes, there's always a good moral Christian reason to tell everyone you meet to fuck off and die. (audience laughter and applause) Fair enough. But if you're a waiter, and you ever get one of those fake $10 dollar bills, do me a favor, and next time you're in church, drop it in the collection box. (audience laughter and applause)