Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Brad T: 2032: Republicans, Ramen & Reproductive Rights

Republicans, Ramen & Reproductive Rights

You’re a starving college student.  You are sick of your Ramen-every-day-and-night diet and you want to make a little extra cash.  On your way to class you see a flyer posted from the Psychology Department that says “Volunteers Needed for Simple Experiment - $25 possible compensation.” $25?! Jackpot!

The psych major geeks don’t tell you the reason for the experiment, they simply escort you to a room with four walls.  On a shelf placed high up on one of the walls – seemingly out of reach – is your $25.  On the floor is a crumpled up $10 bill.  The Sheldon Cooper wannabe says to you, “There is no time limit this experiment.  Take as long as you need to get the $25, but if you decide you can’t figure it out, by all means help yourself to the $10 and the experiment will be over.  Good luck.”

Alright, no problem.  You’re a Poli-Sci major – way smarter than those future shrinks.  The 25 bucks looks to be about 7 or 8 feet off the ground.  You’re an impressive 5’6” so that means you only have to jump about…well, who cares, that’s why you’re not a math major.  You played peewee basketball so let’s see your best Air Jordan impression. Oh, so close! Okay, there are no chairs, so there goes that idea.  Hmm.  Can you stand on your own shoulders?

After what seems to be a few hours (they took away your watch and there is no clock on the wall), you are completely frustrated.  Angrily you take your $10 and go buy 400 more packs of Ramen.  On the way out you ask them what the purpose of the experiment was, and apologetically they say that they cannot tell you that.  For the rest of the day you rack your brains on what they were trying to prove to no avail.  But at least that beef Top Ramen is delicious.

Now a successful female college graduate and still somewhat hungry Poli-Sci major, you hear on the news that Republicans don’t want women to have abortions.  They claim this is for moral reasons, and you give them the benefit of the doubt.  On another report, you hear that Republicans don’t want you to have the resources you need to obtain contraception.  Wait a minute.  Beep beep back the truck up.  Thoughts fill your head.

1)      WTF?

2)      Republicans are in cahoots with the Psych Department to boost Ramen sales!

3)      Why would someone tell me that I am not allowed to make choices about my own body and then tell me I’m on my own if I want to use birth control?

4)      …WTF?!

Now perplexed by this “GOP Catch 22,” you find yourself as confused as the day you took part in that experiment.  Why would someone tell you they want you to do something and then not give you the resources to do so?  It’s almost if they…want…me to fail?

And there it is.

The Republicans’ views on abortion and contraception only seem counterintuitive if you don’t know the motives behind their words.  Do they actually think humans will refrain from having sex?  Absolutely not.  With the exception of loveless right wing marriages subjected to a lifetime of missionary, sex is fun.  Republicans know this, and they want you to have sex.  Furthermore, they want you getting pregnant.  But you must keep the baby, even if you are in no position to provide for him or her or offer them a solid chance at a healthy and successful life.

“That makes no sense,” you think.  “Why would they want such a thing?”

Because the baby mentioned above is the future worker that Republicans – and more importantly their very wealthy financiers – dream about.  Knowing that it will be very difficult for that baby to receive quality education and therefor little chance at upward economic mobility, someday they will be forced to get a job “that is just good enough” to make ends meet.  Since Republicans don’t believe in social or economic assistance, that baby might have to pick up a second job just to get by.  And they probably won’t be able to afford birth control, and so the cycle continues.

This may seem extremely devious, but that’s only because it is.  Only when you think in this context do Republicans’ words and actions make sense.  They want you to fail.  They want you to fail because it precludes upward economic mobility and builds our underpaid, overworked enormous workforce.  Who then succeeds in the end?

Ask someone from the 1%.  (If you ever meet one.)

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