Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Republican Geography 101

Republican Geography 101

Author: June 9, 2013 12:02 am

There is a revolution occurring in our schools. Traditional learning is being replaced with more contemporary and relevant lessons. Texas is leading the way with these “improvements” to our text books by promoting the importance of religion in government and removing known atheist/Socialist Thomas Jefferson altogether. Kansas is re-introducing Creationism to the science class after years of unfair discrimination. These are exciting times!
In keeping with this new wave of innovation in education, Glenn Beck even has his own online college! Republicans are also spreading the word via home schooling texts like “Of Pandas and People.” Heck, even Mike Huckabee has his own edutainment cartoon series! Let’s take a look at how we’ll see the world in the Republican future:

Local Geography –

  • Church – Where to go to show love and devotion for Baby Jesus[i] but only on Sundays and special occasions. Our preacher tells us how helping the sick and poor isn’t the American way and Jesus wants us be rich! Also, God hates fags…
  • Mosque – Enemy territory. Possible secret terrorist meeting place. Won’t be there after me and Billy Bob drink a few more beers and get the gas can…
  • Militia compound – The safest place to be when the government comes to take away our guns. Nothing bad ever happens in these sacred places.
  • Prisons – Low income housing for minorities.
  • Walmart – Where else can you buy guns, beer and beef jerky all in one place? It’s like heaven on Earth! Good thing Walmart showed up right when it did, thirty local stores went out business last year after the Grand Opening. Damn economy… This is all Obama’s fault! Ooooh look! Turkey jerky!
  • Synagogue – If we keep playing nice with the Jews, they’ll finally rebuild that dang temple in JEWrusalem. After that, Baby Jesus will come back to Earth and get his vengeance! Just you wait and see…
  • Courthouse – Where the Ten Commandments should be prominently displayed right next to the Constitution during the court hearing to keep them Muslims from building a new Mosque.

National –

  • California – Jews and homosexuals control this area. San Francisco is a modern day Sodom and L.A. is obviously Gomorrah. One day, God is going to sink the whole coastline. It’s real science! I heard it on the 700 Club.
  • Southwest – Under constant threat of being reconquered by Mexicans and Socialists. They already stole all our jobs, now they want the land, too? Finish the dang fence McCain!
  • Northern States – Our last line of defense against creeping Canadian Socialism. Although Sarah Palin says it’s OK to cross the border and use their universal healthcare as long as we don’t bring Commie Cooties back with us.
  • Texas – King of all states. A beacon of hope in a benighted land, where evolution is ignored, teenage pregnancy runs rampant and oil tycoons get rich. When the Second War of Northern Aggression is started by us patriots, Texas will lead the charge.
  • Alaska – Queen to Texas’ King. Where blessed oil stains the pristine landscape, charging women the cost of their rape kit is perfectly normal and a half term Governor can’t possibly be a “quitter,” she’s got her own TV show! Also the first line of defense against the Commies. We can still see you from our house, you damn Reds!
  • Mid-West – God’s own country. Where fields of wheat and corn[ii] sway in the breeze and where all REAL Americans come from. “Real” defined as “White Christian heterosexual conservatives.”
  • New York – Jew capitol. Also home to millions of scary foreigner types what don’t speak no proper English like we does. Redeemed by blessed Wall Street where the rich gather to find ways to share their wealth with all of us via a gravity and liquid based metaphor. They’ve been trickling on us for over thirty years so we should all be rich any time now!
  • Washington DC – Where all those damn politicians get together to steal our rights, our money and our future! But it was an awesome place from January 20, 2001 to January 20, 2009.
  • Hawaii – May or may not be a REAL state due to its un-American, exotic nature. Known entry point for illegal immigrants from Kenya. Local newspapers suspected of posting birth announcements that violate the laws of time and space.

Global –

  • Africa – Oh if only we could ship’em all back! There’d be no welfare or food stamps or crime or anything bad ever again! I hear it’s called the “Dark Continent” and I think you why… *WINK*
  • Asia –Great food! Also, all my stuff seems to be made there. At least it’s cheap! I can’t afford expensive stuff since the factory closed down for some reason. Good thing I always shop at Walmart!
  • Australia – Killed off indigenous population? Check! Only a handful of important cities on the West & East Coasts with not much in-between? Check! Anti-immigration politics? Check! Poorly concealed racial tensions? Check! Homeland of St. Murdoch? Check! Natural disaster blamed on sin instead of science? Check! My God! It’s like a little America! It even LOOKS like America, just all upside down and stuff! Now if we could only teach them to speak English…
  • Europe – Nothing but Commies and Socialists! And no, we DIDN’T come from England. If we evolved from the English, why are there still English people? Ha! Answer THAT, you liberal snob what with your fancy book learning! U S A! U S A!
  • South America – More Socialists and all those jungles that hippy environmentalists are trying to “save.” Like anyone cares about some trees and frogs… say, do you know what today’s smog index is?
  • Central America – The single most dangerous area in the world. Riddled with drug cartels and Hispanics, the tide of immigrants threatens our very way of life. We should nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
  • The Middle East – The single most dangerous area in the world. Riddled with terrorists and Muslims (same thing, really), the creeping tide of Sharia threatens our very way of life. We should nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
  • China – The single most dangerous area in… wait, that’s from next years’ script textbook…
  • Soviet Union – Well, yes, it’s just Russia now but they’re still Commies! Well, OK, they’re not REALLY Commies anymore but they still have nukes! Well, sure, they’re reducing their stockpile in accordance with Obama’s START treaty but JUST SHUT UP AND BE AFRAID!
As you can see, Republicans of the future will be some of the most well-informed sheep slaves workerdrones citizens in the world! Next on our tour will be Republican Astronomy…

[i] A wholly owned subsidiary of the GOP.
[ii] “Fields of wheat and corn” is trademarked by the Monsanto Corporation.
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